Guilt
by NoSunGlasses
Summary: Alucard's journey at the end of Castlevania 3. One-shot.


The morning sun was warm and bright outside their carriage. Alucard stared out the window, watching the fields of green pass by as they traveled. They had done the impossible, defeated Dracula when many had died trying. The castle had collapsed, the skies were blue, and the trees were lush, his father's evil influence gone from the country.

Yet, unlike his friends, he felt no sense of joy.

"Alucard?" Trevor said.

"Hmm?" Alucard hummed absentmindedly.

"We were saying, you are definitely coming to our wedding, right? I won't forgive you if you skip out!"

Alucard forced a smile, "Of course." he replied.

Trevor looked to Sypha, and they exchanged a look. They could tell his smile was forced.

Alucard turned back to the window, so he didn't have to bare their gazes, so he could avoid their questioning a little longer.

They were going home, Trevor and Sypha, to be wed and become family. Alucard was glad for them, that they had found love, and he had no doubt they would raise a happy family. Grant didn't exactly have a home, but he would be returning to his pirating ways, as soon as he could find a crew. It was what he loved, it was where he belonged.

Alucard had no home to return to. The castle was gone, along with its inhabitants. It was the place he grew up in, it was the only world he knew. Now that world was gone. He had no more friends from the night, no more family.

Guilt gripped his heart. How could he have so cold bloodedly killed his own father? He still remembered his father's blood on his blade, the look on his father's face when he realized he was betrayed by the only one who should have been on his side, the only one whom he still cared for.

He should have tried to talk to his father more, to try to reason with him, tell him his mother's last wish. It didn't have to turn out like this, it shouldn't have turned out like this. He grieved for his father's death. It hurt just as much as when his mother died, perhaps more, knowing that he was the cause of it.

Alucard glanced at his friends, talking merrily about their plans once they get back. They would not agree with what he felt right now. They would say that it was not his fault, that his father could not be reasoned with, that it had to be done. He couldn't entertain on that thought, not when it hurt so much. He was different from them. He stuck a hand out of the window, catching sunlight on his palm. It was warm on his paper white skin, yet it stung him with its intensity.

This world that they saved, he didn't belong here. It belonged to the humans, and he wasn't one.

He realized, with a twist in his stomach, that he couldn't attend Trevor and Sypha's wedding. He would only bring them trouble, instigate a mob on their wedding day. He couldn't allow that to happen. He had hurt enough people already.

Everywhere he went, he would only attract trouble. The people would not understand his circumstances. They would only see him as something non-human, a monster. With their hatred for his father, it would be even worse if they ever found out who he was. He was tired, so tired. He didn't have the strength to deal with more fighting, more conflict. The world didn't need more conflict, didn't need him here. Perhaps it was for the best if he disappeared from them all, never to be found again.

A peaceful sleep. That was what he wanted. Perhaps, an eternal one that he didn't have to wake up from.

He followed his friends back to the village they lived in, staying out of sight as excited villagers welcomed their return. Trevor offered the three of them his guest rooms. Alucard was grateful for his hospitality, even if he would not be staying for long.

He spent the rest of the day sleeping, though he could not find rest. In his dreams, he was haunted by death, of his mother, his father, of the villagers his father had killed, of the monsters he himself had ruthlessly dispatched. He woke with a start to Grant's snoring, realizing it was night.

The Belmont manor was silent, everyone sound asleep. Deftly, with light footsteps, he wandered out in the streets, keeping himself hidden under the hood of his cloak. The moon was a thin crescent, lighting up the streets in its soft glow. Not that he needed the light to see. After an hour or so of walking in the sleeping village, he found what he was looking for, and knocked lightly on the door to the undertaker's shop.

He waited patiently for the shop owner to respond. A groggy man opened the door, creaking from rusted hinges. He glanced up and down at Alucard, frowning as he didn't recognize him.

"What is it? I'll have you know I have nothing but dead remains and coffins here." the man said.

"I need to commission one." Alucard replied.

"At this god forsaken hour?" the man said incredulously.

Alucard nodded as much as he could under his hood, "I apologize. I need to keep this a secret." he said to the man.

The man sighed. No doubt, he had had his share of odd requests and learned not to ask, "Come in, then."

The man took out paper and quills, jotting down a new commission. "So, what do you want?" he asked.

"I need one made of sturdy stone. It will not be buried and needs to withstand the ages."

"Mhmm." the man wrote it down, "Any requests for designs in particular?"

Alucard glanced around, and pointed to the first casket on display that caught his eyes, a black one with gold linings. It didn't matter what colour it was. It would fade away soon enough. What mattered was that it was wide and deep and would give him ample of comfortable space.

The undertaker nodded, writing down his request. After some calculations, the man gave him an approximate price. Alucard paused over the number. He didn't exactly have money, but he took out a beautiful onyx ring that a monster had looted from who-knew-where. It was more than enough to pay for the coffin, but he didn't care. He didn't exactly need the riches in his eternal sleep.

The man's eyes widened at the black jewel, "This is worth more than enough, sir."

"I am aware. Therefore, I have another request."

"What is it?"

"Please use the remainder of that jewel's worth to purchase a cart and a necklace from the jeweler for me. You may keep whatever is left after that." he gave the man a description of a necklace that he saw earlier during his walk.

The man raised an eyebrow at his odd combination of purchases, but nodded. "When do you need these done?"

"As soon as possible." Alucard replied.

"Two weeks from today, then?"

"That is fine." Alucard said. He hesitated for a second longer, unsure, "You...will keep all of these a secret, will you?"

"Of course," the man said, "I respect the privacy of my clients."

"Thank you."

Having everything he needed taken care of, Alucard returned to the Belmont manor. It was in the same state as before, with no one noticing he had left and Grant snoring as loud as he had been.

He didn't set foot outside the Belmont manor for the next two weeks. He didn't talk much to his friends, didn't eat anything. He slept by day when he could, and watched the world below his window when he couldn't.

On some days it was sunny, so brilliant that it was sometimes hard for him to see. The excited laughter of children playing could always be heard not too far away, the barks and neighs of animals lively in the background. A family passed by with tools on their way to their farm, the elders energetic while the young drowsy. A man passed by yelling, cursing and chasing an escaped goat. Other days it poured down rain, cleansing the world of impurities and making large puddles. Its suddenness caused a mother to pick up her child, shielding him from rain as she hurried back home.

This was the world his mother loved, this was the world that they saved.

It was vibrant and lush and so full of life, that Alucard couldn't tear his eyes away from its beauty. How he wished that he could be part of this world, that his father could appreciate this beauty the same way his mother did, that he could share an ordinary day with both of his parents once more, like they did a seeming lifetime ago. How he wished vampires and humans could coexist in harmony, to share this world together and prevent the tragedy that had torn apart his family.

But it was no use to have wishes like these. He could not change the fact that humans viewed his kind as nothing but monsters, that his father's war against them only made the matters worse, that he was born of both worlds and so will never belong to either. All of these were circumstances that were out of his control, that he had no choice but to accept their harsh reality.

Alucard rubbed between his eyes. He grew weak from the lack of food, yet he felt no appetite in his grief.

"Oh, you're actually awake!" Trevor walked into the room, looking all too happy to see him, "Come down and join us for dinner?"

"Sure," Alucard replied. It was to be his last night here. He would humor his friend.

He followed Trevor downstairs, finding Sypha and Grant getting the food ready.

"The Sleeping Beauty finally woke up!" Grant laughed with a delightful glee, "Here, Princess, have a seat."

Sleeping Beauty? Princess? How ridiculous.

He took the seat Grant offered nonetheless. He noticed Sypha giving Grant a disapproving glare, and Grant taking a small step away from Sypha before sitting down beside him. Their dinner went on as it always did, with Grant and Trevor doing most of the idle chatting. Alucard ate slowly, trying his best to eat something even if he was not hungry.

Their chatter died down midway through dinner. After a few moments of silence, Trevor said, with sudden seriousness, "Alucard."

"Yes?" he replied.

"If there's anything bothering you, you need to tell us. Don't try to deal with everything alone. We're your friends, we can help you."

"Alright." Alucard said, digging into his salad slowly and avoiding Trevor's eyes, in case his own betrayed him.

"So? What is bothering you?" Trevor pressed on when Alucard didn't say anything.

"Nothing is," Alucard lied. How could he tell them? They would no doubt scold him for what he was thinking, what he was planning to do, and they would try to stop him, try to make him stay. He didn't need any of that.

Trevor didn't believe him. "Are you sure? You've not been yourself ever since we left the castle, like you're not really here. You barely ate anything, you didn't leave the house at all. You didn't even say anything when Grant called you a princess. As different as our lifestyles and personalities might be, I don't think this is normal."

Alucard sighed. Trevor was more observant than he had given him credit for. "I am just tired. That is all."

Trevor stared at him hard for a long second, then said, "Alright then. But please let us help you if you have any problems."

Alucard hoped that meant Trevor had accepted his lies and would not ask him about it again.

He went back to his room after dinner, sitting back beside the window. The rain had cleared, the sound of night animals far off in the distance. A single bat landed on the windowsill, chirping for his attention. He picked up the bat gently, letting it sit on his palm.

A slight guilt picked at the back of his mind. Was it betrayal if he did all these for the good of humans? Perhaps it was. He had betrayed his father under the same name.

He looked back at his room. The candles were still lit, yet Grant was already fast asleep, his snoring filling the silence of the night.

It was time to go.

His picked up his few belongings, his sword and his cloak. Drawing on his power, he closed his palm. The room sank into darkness. With the bat, he flew out the window into the night.

He landed outside the undertaker's shop, and knocked on its door. The undertaker answered the door in an instant, startling the bat and making it flutter away. He didn't look surprised to see Alucard under his dark hood.

"Everything is ready." The man said, taking out a small black box from his pocket and handed it to Alucard, "Your cart and the coffin is outside right beside you."

Alucard opened the small box gently. Inside, a small cross made of silver hung from thin chains. The trinket twinkled under the moonlight, and he could feel the silver's holy power as he traced a gloved finger over it.

"You are invited to the Belmont's wedding?" Alucard asked.

The man was taken aback by the seemingly random question, but he answered, "Yes. Half the village is invited."

Alucard nodded. He snapped the small black box shut, and handed it back to the undertaker. "Please give this to them in my stead. I cannot be there."

"Oh, alright." the man said, looking a little confused as he received the box.

"Farewell, then." Alucard said.

"Farewell."

With grim determination, Alucard turned to the wooden cart beside the door covered by a drape. A strong push dislodged the cart from the muddy puddle it had sank into, rolling over onto the road with creaking noises.

There on he walked. On and on, day and night, rain and shine, without rest. A few times he felt faint from the sun's heat, but he pushed on. There would be time to rest soon enough. He passed by villages and meadows and grass fields and forests, across farm lands and rivers. His cart broke down before he did, and so he abandoned it, hoisting the casket onto his shoulders and kept going.

It was when he was at the verge of exhaustion that he saw his destination, the entrance to an underground crypt. With renewed gait, he walked towards it. It was a burial place that very few people alive still knew of, that few would ever visit. It was a place that no one would knowingly look for, no one would be able to find.

And yet. Yet, why was it that he heard hoof steps from three horses in the distance? Why was it that they were heading straight towards him, with no signs of stopping? Why was it that the scent carried to him by the wind smelt so familiar?

Why was a familiar voice yelling his name?

Dread stopped him in his track as the hoof steps reached him and their riders dismount. He didn't dare turn around, couldn't face seeing their disappointed face.

"What are you doing here, Alucard?" Trevor huffed, a little out of breath.

Alucard couldn't answer. Instead, he asked, "How did you find me?"

"Well," Trevor said, "You were being suspiciously dodgy. I thought you would do something incredibly stupid sooner or later, so I told Grant to keep an eye out on you. Turned out I was right. We found your track by noon the next day."

Alucard's temper flared. He thought the undertaker would keep his promise. Did he trust too willingly? He tightened his fist. "And I suppose you heard about me from the undertaker." he said, his voice a low growl.

"The undertaker? No, he didn't say anything. But you know the village is small and rarely gets visitors. It was easy to pick out tracks that led out of the village." Trevor said, "I answered your question. You haven't answered mine. Why did you leave? What do you plan on doing with that coffin?"

Frustration turned Alucard harsh, "It is none of your business. I am free to go wherever I please."

He was so close to rest, to peace. Why could they not let him have it? Why could they not understand?

He sensed anger from Trevor and he set down his coffin. If they wanted to bring him back by force then he would fight them. In his current state, he would probably die at the hands of his friends. But eternal sleep or death would achieve the same result for him. Death was just more painful and messy.

He heard Sypha stepping a little closer to him, stopping whatever Trevor was about to do, "Alucard," she said, "Please, calm down. Talk to us. We're not going to force you to come with us if you don't want to. We just want to understand why you are doing this, because we care about you. You can let us do that, right?"

Alucard took a deep breath. Would they really understand if he talked to them? Perhaps he should at least trust them this much. He sat down atop the coffin, exhaustion taking hold.

Without words, his friends sat down around him, Sypha beside him on the coffin and Trevor and Grant on the grass in front of them.

"So, why did you leave?" Sypha asked gently when they settled down.

"Because I must." Alucard replied.

"Why is that?"

"I…" Alucard faltered. It was difficult, so difficult, to admit the truth of what he felt to his friends. "The world doesn't need one with Dracula's blood. We saved this world for the sake of humans, and I have no place in it."

"No. You're wrong." Trevor said, "You helped us defeat your father. I don't care that you carry his blood. Your actions speak more of you then what you are, and what you've done to help us was more than enough to earn you a place in this world."

"That is not for you to decide," bitterness seeped into Alucard's words, "The other humans are not like you. You know how much the people of Wallachia hate vampires. They will not accept me as I am and hunters will find me in no time. There is no way for me to live among humans without causing more chaos. The castle was my rightful place, where I belong. Now, with it gone, I too should disappear with the other creatures of the night."

"Those are just excuses," Trevor said hoarsely, "I can tell. You are grieving for your father, and you feel guilty that you betrayed him. I won't say I feel the same sentiment, because I don't. But the fact that you are grieving for a bloodthirsty bastard like him only shows how different you are from the other creatures of the night. It's times like this that you rely on people who cares about you. Stop pushing us away, Alucard. We can help you overcome this."

Trevor's harsh honesty hurt. Perhaps Trevor was right, that Alucard was just making excuses to escape from his pain. For a second, Alucard wanted to believe Trevor, to try to overcome this seemingly insurmountable hardship. Yet, as he stared into Trevor's eyes and saw his own semi-transparent reflection in them, he could find nothing but despair. Perhaps he could overcome his grief, his guilt, live in contentment with his friends. Perhaps he could incorporate into human society, convince hunters that he meant no harm. But how long would it last? His friends would age while he would stay as he was now. One by one, they would die and he would lose them and be left utterly alone.

As long as he continued to live among humans, he could not escape losing all that he cared for. The grief he felt now would renew for every single one of them time stripped away from him, again and again and again.

The thought absolutely crushed him, and stripped him of all hope. It took him a long time to find his voice, and when he did, it was a mere whisper, "I am tired, Trevor. I do not have the strength you think I have. Just let me go."

His friends were silent for a long time. Eventually, Trevor asked, "Where are you going?"

"To sleep." Alucard answered.

"In that crypt behind you?"

Alucard nodded.

"How long are you going to sleep?" Trevor asked.

Alucard hesitated. No words he could say could convey the truth without hurting his friends.

Trevor's expression turned from that of confusion, to realization, to anger. His voice quivered as he spoke, "You don't intend on waking up, do you?"

Alucard didn't have the heart to answer.

Trevor's face hardened. "I won't allow it," He said, "I can't allow you to commit suicide."

"It is not suicide. My body will be in stasis and I will simply be asleep." Alucard said softly.

"Death and sleeping eternally carries the same weight for us! And did you not make your decision under the same gravity?" Trevor ranted, "How can you be so utterly selfish? Did you even think about how we'd feel sending you away like this? Did you even consider-"

"I did." Alucard interrupted, "I'm sorry."

Trevor glared at him, yet he could find no words to respond. Alucard was eternally grateful that they held so much faith and compassion for him, that they fought so hard against letting go of a creature of the night like him. Yet he must leave them. It was the only way, his only path.

He looked down at his coffin, tracing a finger absentmindedly over the golden carvings on the lid. Calmly, he said to his friends, "You humans are blessed with a finite life, a definitive end. You could look towards the end of your road, and make the most out of the limited time you have. I do not have such luxury, and so I must choose."

Trevor said after a long silence, his face stern but no longer angry, "So, this is your decision."

Alucard nodded, "Nothing lasts forever, Trevor," he said gently, "Here, this is where my story ends."

With a grunt, Trevor pushed himself up, "Well, let's go then," he said, patting himself clean, suddenly upbeat, "Let's get you some sleep. Grant, help me with this."

The two of them bent down at each ends of the coffin as Alucard and Sypha stood up. Realizing what Trevor wanted to do, Alucard said, "You don't have to-"

A hiss from Trevor silenced him, "You're not going to deny us helping you one last time, are you?" he said with a half grin.

"Yea, just stay there and look pretty beside Sypha, m'Lady." Grant joked.

Well, if they insisted. "Fine, then." he sighed.

With a count to three, Trevor and Grant lifted the coffin, grunting as they did.

"Damn it's heavy," Grant exclaimed.

"Did you really carry this all the way? Why didn't you get a horse?" Trevor asked between breaths.

"A horse could not walk without rest."

"You sure were in a hurry, huh?" Trevor mused.

They marched slowly down the stone steps of the crypt. Alucard took one last look at the clearing sky, the beauty and warmth of the sun's rays calming him, and followed his friends down.

The crypt was covered in dust, spider webs, and droppings. With a wave of his hand, Alucard burnt those away in a flurry of flames. The dusts cleared away to tombstones of his ancestors, the Cronqvists, standing in silent rows against the echoes of their footsteps.

They passed by several rooms of tombstones, reaching one with only a single tombstone standing silently in the middle.

"Lisa Fahrenheight?" Trevor muttered.

"My mother," Alucard said, nodding at his friends to put down his coffin there. Was it weird to be sleeping among his dead family? Perhaps not, not for him at least.

They stood by the coffin in silence momentarily, Trevor and Grant catching their breaths.

"So, you're just going to...lie down and sleep now?" Trevor said, waving his hand towards the coffin in an attempt to sound casual.

Alucard stepped closer to his coffin, gently lifting the stone lid. "I must prepare the spell first," he said.

"What spell?"

"It will seal my power and keep me asleep and hidden."

"Ah."

He pulled off his glove and bit one finger, and started writing down ancient symbols on the inside of the lid for his spell. His friends watched him work, none uttering a single word. When he was done with the last symbol, he stood up and looked to his friends. His words caught in his throat as a wave of emotion struck him and he couldn't speak.

Trevor said it instead, his face serious and all traces of his earlier feigned lightheartedness gone, "So, this is farewell."

Alucard nodded.

With a grunt and a rare show of tenderness, Trevor stepped forward and gave him a grim hug, and a few strong pats at the back. Then it was Sypha who tiptoed a little and gave him a gentle hug. Then it was Grant, who hesitated and eyed him suspiciously, before giving him an awkward hug nonetheless.

No exchange of words were needed for Alucard to feel fully their affection, that which he did not deserve but which he was grateful to have.

He stepped inside the coffin. His friends helped lift the lid as he settled down, placing it half closed above him. They looked down at him as he looked back up.

"Have a good sleep," Trevor said, back to his usual carefree tone.

"Good night, Alucard," Sypha said sweetly.

"Good night, princess," Grant snickered.

Alucard grimaced, "If you call me princess again, I'll-"

"You'll what?" Grant cut off his complaint, "Haunt me in my sleep? I'm not afraid of ghosts. Especially not yours."

Grant was right, it was but an empty threat. Alucard allowed himself to smile. "Farewell, my friends," he whispered.

He pulled the lid of the coffin close, above him.

In the ensuing darkness, Alucard activated his spell. His inscriptions on the lid glowed a hazy red, then sank over him like a soft sheet of silk.

He felt a heavy sense of drowsiness, and felt his heartbeat and breath slow. Exhaustion settled in his muscles and his body relaxed. When his heart slowed to a crawl, he closed his eyes.

Finally, there was peace.

* * *

A/N: So...I don't usually post my writings cus I'm a perfectionist and, well, you know how that goes...But since watching Season 2 the ending kinda left a void in me and I just have to get something out there. So there's this. An old piece of writing that's not at all perfect and drags on for too long and has awkward interactions and questionable characterization and...urgh I need to stop.


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